my dirty little secret….NOT FOR CHILDREN
WARNING: I feel pasionate about this subject so I’m going to use a four-letter-word….FUCK THAT aging gracefully bullshit!!!!
Ok I do not want to be that 40ish woman who acts-dresses- and thinks everyone is buying that she is 25!!
….so sad. I did see her at 856 one night and I have 3 friends who will promptly slap me should I start acting crazy!!
I am not delusional either! The last few years have been very difficult. Some women go through it in their 30′s but I hit the wall the year I turned 40. Men call it midlife and they get a car. Well the female version of midlife is a cause for injections, burning skin off and elective surgeries. I love them all by the way!! I will use grocery money for any of them!!!
The ‘mid life’ phenomenon or short term mental illness, in my opinion, has more to do with regrets. Ok no it doesnt, the wrinkles and sagging knees and flabby arms and no tolerence for alcohol whatsoever bother me too!! But after the shock of the physical changes that aging brings subsides there is left a sense of regret.
Many have told me that I can’t go back, I did the best I could with what I had, right now it all sounds like blah,blah,blah. The bottom line is I do regret many moves with my sons. basic common sense that I didn’t have at the time. 1. a 21 year old has no business having children 2. do not stay in a bad marriage for the kids 3. do not get married for pregnancy!! I dont think I’ll ever shake those mistakes…. even though every dumb parenting move was made with pure intentions of doing the best for my sons.
ok so back to my secret…I needed to say all that because KNOWING those things, I can only conclude this secret urge I have is PRIMAL, NATURAL, GOD GIVEN. AND SO WEIRD!!! I’ve had the urge for several years and although my mind says it’s insane it will not go away!
Each time I take photos of children It comes back. Even the bad kids!!
…..I cant help it…….am I totally psychotic…what aging woman feels this urge!!??
I even had a fake grandbaby who I encourage to call me Grandma Shelly…Basil Odell the most edible baby you will ever see!!!! OMG I want to bite him!!!
I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!!
and I know it a urge to have grandkids since I want to give them cake and push-ups and I LOVE to see a kid throw a beautiful litte fit!!!!
Crazy!! I know…..
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Shelly my dear we all think this and it’s perfectly normal. We can not let your past dictate our future. We can learn from it and make ourselves happy in what ever we find that brings us closer to that feeling. I have once stayed in a marriage for the wrong reason and married him also for a pregnancy, you are not alone there. We start out life trying to do the right thing and we soon forget along that path what is right for us! Not what society feels is right. At the end of the day we have to look at ourselves in the mirror and say I love myself and the choices I made today! Your love your passion is amazing adn I know you have a good heart and you deserve to love and be loved for what you give in life! I have known you at a distance for years now and I am sorry I have not brought myself closer. My little regrets in life. I keep people close enough to know my name but not close enough to know me. I’m not perfect and it’s how I protect myself from getting hurt. I will no longer feel afraid to feel love or let someone it. I refuse to let it keep me from finding happiness with someone. We all have different passions in life. You are able to capture life in moments not everyone has that gift. Live life as if there was no tomorrow and let go of yesterday. as we can change anything we want in our life it’s called free will….Your missing something, hence the want/need for grandchildren. Search your heart and soul Shelly and you’ll find it. You deserve to be truly happy. Not that your not…ok I’ll admit it would be really precious to hold a newborn again although I am not ready for grandchildren.
xoxoxo,
Donna