a couple weeks ago i had a few…followed by a few…and like most midlife women who drink too much….I talked too much!!! So unattractive! Ok, it happened…so …..this is my purpose:
in the moment I was at first offendeed…..
there was a conversation happening about some kids for what ever reason were in some situation where parnets where split or absent……this is part of my point. Do the circumstances matter? Does the backround story really matter
so while the two ladies were talking, I butted in….I felt the inebriated need to thank this young lady for reaching out to children….she shusshed me and told me it was none of my business. Ouch.
As one of those who is bothered of another’s opinion of me, I was wounded….I so eloquently slurred I was a teacher and allowed an opinion on everyones kid!! LOL-LOL! But I really am! Educators spend 5 days a week 8-2ish (6 hours) each day with your children. MORE THAN MOST OF THEIR PARENTS!!! Sorry thats just plain old math..
Ok, classiclly off topic.

THE POINT IS…..as an adult in this horrible world, you have an obligation to reach out to children placed in your path; NOT JUST IN YOUR LIFE,HOME,CUSTODY!!! If you have a sister who is raising 2 young boys who have a drug addicted father YOU SHOULD reach out and bring them into your two parent home on a regular basis.

YOU SHOULD go beyond your fence if you have a neighbor child who spends alot of time playing alone. Teacher’s, YOU SHOULD, do home visits if you have a parent who will not return your phone calls or a student who never brings their homework.

 Give the 16 year old off Criag’s List a lawn to mow!
WE HAVE AN OBLIGATION to these little members of society………
If you won’t open your life to children placed in your path then SHUT YOUR MOUTH when children grow to adults who loose their way!

Ok I do not want to be that 40ish woman who acts-dresses- and thinks everyone is buying that she is 25!!

  ….so sad. I did see her at 856 one night and I have 3 friends who will promptly slap me should I start acting crazy!!

 I am not delusional either! The last few years have been very difficult. Some women go through it in their 30′s but I hit the wall the year I turned 40. Men call it midlife and they get a car. Well the female version of midlife is a cause for injections, burning skin off and elective surgeries. I love them all by the way!! I will use grocery money for any of them!!!

The ‘mid life’ phenomenon or short term mental illness, in my opinion, has more to do with regrets. Ok no it doesnt, the wrinkles and sagging knees and flabby arms and no tolerence for alcohol whatsoever bother me too!! But after the shock of the physical changes that aging brings subsides there is left a sense of regret.

Many have told me that I can’t go back, I did the best I could with what I had, right now it all sounds like blah,blah,blah. The bottom line is I do regret many moves with my sons. basic common sense that I didn’t have at the time. 1. a 21 year old has no business having children 2. do not stay in a bad marriage for the kids 3. do not get married for pregnancy!! I dont think I’ll ever shake those mistakes…. even though every dumb parenting move was made with pure intentions of doing the best for my sons.

ok so back to my secret…I needed to say all that because KNOWING those things, I can only conclude this secret    urge I have is PRIMAL, NATURAL, GOD GIVEN. AND SO WEIRD!!! I’ve had the urge for several years and although my mind says it’s insane it will not go away!

Each time I take photos of children It comes back. Even the bad kids!!

…..I cant help it…….am I  totally psychotic…what aging woman feels this urge!!??

I even had a fake grandbaby who I encourage to call me Grandma Shelly…Basil Odell the most edible baby you will ever see!!!! OMG I want to bite him!!!

I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!!

and I know it a urge to have grandkids since I want to give them cake and push-ups and I LOVE to see a kid throw a beautiful litte fit!!!!

Crazy!! I know…..

Asking for a press pass to the Lupe Fiasco concert was  my first experience with promoters and photographing a concert. I took the risk of rejction for the opprotunity to hear Lupe Fiasco sing this song in live. Sadly, he didn’t sing it but I definatly got more than I had hoped for!!  I did get some phenominal shots, witnessed a crowd of young adults having a great time in Stockton, and met this young gentle poet !!! Many of my coworkers had no idea who he is .

I can make it so simple….lyrics to He Said She Said

She said to him
“I want you to be a father
He’s your little boy and you don’t even bother
Like “brother” without the R
And he’s starting to harbor
Cool and food for thought
But for you he’s a starver
Starting to use red markers on his work
His teacher say they know he’s much smarter

But he’s hurt
Used to hand his homework in first
Like he was the classroom starter

Burst to tears
Let them know she see us
Now he’s fighting in class
Got a note last week that say he might not pass
Ask me if his daddy was sick of us
Cause you ain’t never pick him up

You see what his problem is?
He don’t know where his poppa is
No positive male role model
To play football and build railroad models

It’s making a hole you’ve been digging it
Cause you ain’t been kicking it
Since he was old enough to hold bottles
Wasn’t supposed to get introduced to that
He don’t deserve to get used to that

Now I ain’t asking you for money or to come back to me
Some days it ain’t sunny but it ain’t so hard
Just breaks my heart
When I try to provide and he say ‘Mommy that ain’t your job’
To be a man, I try to make him understand
That I’m his number one fan
But its like he born from the stands
You know the world is out to get him, so why don’t you give him a chance?”

So he said to him
“I want you to be a father
I’m your little boy and you don’t even bother
Like “brother” without the R
And I’m starting to harbor
Cool and food for thought
But for you I’m a starverThere’s more ……but you get the point!

Erin was about 5 months old when she passed away………

Her night nurse

I’m not sure what it is called but Erin had a heart defect and it could not be repaired.

for what ever reason Erin was in foster care……….

……………………….sweet baby

A few years ago I was forced to face my own mortality. That year , at 30, I made a ‘bucket list’ and vowed to recognize and push fear aside to persue the moments that would cause regrets should I pass them by. Being dramatic ? Possibly. But that is how I ‘roll’  .

Willie was one of those moments. This was a family stalking mission; my husband and daughter came along. Typical stalking missions invole myself and a girlfriend!

My youngest son, a then dishwasher at the  Hilton, gave me the tip that Willie was staying there while doing a concert at the Stockton Ports ballpark. On our way he called again to let us know that Willie took off ON HIS MOTORCYCLE!! Can you imagine that semi-red braid , flying in the wind!

 After a half hour of driving around, checking and rechecking the Hilton parking lot for motorcycles, and a trip to the flea market we looped back to the Hilton to see if the bikes were back. They weren’t..;( My inf0rmant discovered they may have hid them in a trailor that was with the caravan !!

I sucked up the possile humliation and knocked on the door of the RV.   Obvious it belonged to Willie Nelson!

The worst that could happen , I’m tagged a stalker and escorted off the property.

 So I knocked and Willie himself answered!!I was speechless..the only thing that cam out was ” you’re willie nelson” .  I sure did!! 

He signed a book and Eddie’s helmet. Chit-chatted about Stockton and we left. He got a kick out of the fact my 4th graders listen to him in my classroom!

Yes!!! He was in the midst of getting high!!!…..the smoke from Willie Nelson’s weed was all over me!!…i would have been so sad if he wasn’t!!

Nothing will ever be as big as this…………unless …… we find LL’s R.V.

Javier hooked up the Striker opprotunity. The Javier blog to come. Before the fight and subsequent shoots, all I knew about MMA/cage fighting was it’s sweaty, kinda homo-erotic,  and  the barberic beatdowns had a distubing draw. The sort of thing you can’t take your eyes off no matter how horrifying and disgusting it gets; it is a deep, primal urge to watch. . A year prior I joined a fitness class that encorporated the MMA/fight workout. Neil Amos has a gym downtown, Stockton KO, and there I slimmed down, experienced alot of pain and observed a whole different subculture of America.

This was an opprotunity to work on my overall goal of experiencing as many types of photography opprotunities as possible. Shooting from an airplaine, under water and high speed are on my list of possibilities. 

The first fightfroze me! Up until that point I had seen a little bit of grappling in the gym. But this was serious!! I was shocked and paralyzed. It took me a few moments to move and start shooting. But once I started and got a peek at the product; I was hooked. The energy of the crowd and the intense action in the cage was infectious.

My nature is to ask questions. I understand some people think I’m weird and nosey but I can not help the urge to learn about those I come in contact with!! I have been known to start a conversation with old men on the BART train or kids in line at Target. I’m an ethnic study minor so it’s in my training and blood- I’m not completly weird. Wanting to know what drives people and what brings them to this time and place is sort of a compulsion I constantly have to keep a lid on.                                                                                             Well in this instance I hav done pretty good at keeping my nosey mouth shut. However, I hear a little about the fighter and I have made some observations about these individuals. Ont thing I have come to admire , aside from the obvious, is thier ability to follow what makes them happy.

The majority of these fighters and trainiers are not getting rich. Like all other pro sports a small percentage of particitpants make the large prize dollars. These boys are fighting, enduring hours of training and sacrificing for the pride and glory of a win. The dedication and passion that these boys posess is what I’ve come to admire.

So, I met Jenny trough Sally. My first impression that Jenny was happy-go-lucky, very laid back and easy going. She seemed to roll with the punches of her high-spirited posse. 

The next time I met Jenny she was in her big-ol truck with her GEORGOUS daughters! I was shocked that they were golden brown and Jenny is a white as it gets!

 I’m even more shocked that I’m shocked because they are a mirror of myself and my own blond-turquoise eyed mother! 

Jenny has three kids, two girls and a boy- sparkling eyes like her although they look EXACTLY like their dad.

Rudy is her foster son and I believe she is in the process of adopting him. Rudy is 2 i think. Rudy is a HANDFUL of playtime!

I forgot to add she is divorced.

Last year Jennie had another foster child, an infant daughter – she passed away in the middle of the night. 

Jennie has Erin now, Erin is 4 months old and Jenny recently found out she is terminal. Erin will not live another 6 months.

There are no words to describe Jenny; crazy, giving, nurturing, selfless, obsessed, a gluten for punishment, brave….?? I can’t find any appropriate.

On my 40th birthday Eddie Munoz bought me a Rebel. This was one of my wants that I had mentioned to him, along with diamond earings, a trip to Puerto Rico, uninterupted month of ‘alone time’ ; just a wife’s rambling..;) He always listens and interprets. My husband knows what is good for me, 99.9% of the time, when I dont even know. MUSHY MUSHY PART: He loves me in a way I never dreamed of. Helps me attain dreams I didn’t know I had. Thank you my love….

So, finally, after years of searching and experiamenting and failing….I found somthing at which I’m naturally good. Celebrating with strangers, family, myself and recording those milestones for years to come are constant bursts of hapiness for me …. a little bit of forever